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The Competition Whisperer

June 7, 2010 By Ned Leave a Comment

Okay, I’m going to defy my normal operating protocol and let you in on a little detail of my operation.  You gotta promise not to tell anyone about this because it’s classified level: Cayenne.  Yes, my secret levels are peppers.  What are yours?  Colors?  Oh c’mon.  That’s soooo Homeland Security.  Don’t bring your weak-sauce “color scheme” B-game when you’re playing on my court, kiddo.

Anyway I play golf once a month with a guy I know at our arch-competitor, Nussey, Zucker, and Milch.  It’s a casual game, or so I’d like him to think.  The truth is that I use it to ferret out intel from him about how things are going with them.  I’m mostly interested in the usual stuff that it in that fertile area below company top secrets (like what are their financials like this quarter) and above thinly-veiled intentional marketing leaks (Oh wow, did I leave my top-secret prototype iPhone at the bar?  Man, I need to be more careful with that thing or Steve’s gonna be ticked!).

So there’s not much to report this month, but let’s just say I need to make sure I don’t cancel next month, since I’ve got a big feeling that they’re on the verge of making some kind of big announcement and I need to get the jump on it.  My guy was acting all cagey, but he let me take a second mulligan on the back nine.  My research shows when he does that, they announce a new product an average of 6.8 weeks later.

You see?  That’s why I got game, kid.  Keep your eyes and ears open and you might learn a few things.

Filed Under: Competition

Now what?

March 4, 2010 By Ned Leave a Comment

Normally I wouldn’t mourn the departure of our receptionist and administrative assistant any more than I would, but Ginger was something of a special case.  She seemed to be the glue of the office, the one who just kept everything on an even keel.  And because I know you won’t believe me unless I explain, here’s an example.

All of Phil’s organization is pretty much kept running on a combination of Phil’s infectious energy, Kelvin’s oddly inspiring naivete, and Ginger’s ability to bring order to the chaos these things engendered.  Without here there, the Operations department is a lot like a three-wheeler with the kiddie-brake off.  It’s exciting to watch, but you know it’s just a matter of time before someone gets hurt.  And like fish going bad in the fridge or house-guests wearing out their welcome, it took about three days for that to happen.

No one can get a straight answer as to how it started, but we all know how it ended — in a withering rain of accusations about whose turn it was to restock the supply cabinet, who’s not authorized to approve timecards for the team,  who’s not going to be up for promotion this fall after being a complete “d-bag”, and an ugly array of slanderous epithets unfit to repeat here, the folks in the office next door finally called the police to break it all up.  It was not our finest hour.

When the emotional dust cleared, it was obvious that we had to get our act in order pronto or else whatever psychological malaise that was afflicting Phil’s team would spread to the rest of us.  And the one cure we all knew would save us?  Hire a new secretary.

The bad news is that Tom’s taken to hiding under his desk whenever stuff like this happens.  Apparently he’s convinced that if he can’t see it, it’s not happening.  It’s plausible deniability for 4-year-olds.  The good news is that I decided to take matters into my own hands and get us a new secretary.  We’ve gotten a temp firm to start sending us a new one each week until we either exhaust their staff pool or find one we want to keep.  I’ll keep you apprised, but until further notice, just don’t ask any questions about where to get more post-its.

Filed Under: Efficiency

Pipe Dreams

October 22, 2009 By Ned Leave a Comment

There’s been bad news and bad news masquerading as good news. The bad news is that Pipe Club has been on hiatus for several weeks.  In fact, I can’t remember the last time we met — maybe before the summer.  It’s been something about the way Jan has tried to turn each and every meeting into an event with decorations and goals and objectives and little competitions and games.  It’s honestly not what Pipe Club is all about.  The other bad news is that the interns somehow found about it, and they’ve started snooping around our offices, hoping to catch a whiff of tobacco, catch sight of the hand-carved acrylic of a customer pipe stem, hear the characteristic “flick” of a table lighter.

It’s no good, I tell you.

Of course the problem is not an age thing — they’re plenty old enough to smoke.  It’s the extra attention we just can’t handle.  This was supposed to just be a little diversion for us.  We’d skip out and every couple of weeks for a little time away.  You know, a break from the bustle of the workaday whatever.  And then of course Jan found out about it and tried to turn it into some kind of tea party.  Well we managed to get that back in-hand, but now with the interns hunting us down it’s suddenly not fun anymore.  If we all leave anywhere close to the same time, they mob us in the parking garage and demand we take them along.  They show off their calabashes and meerschaums and corncobs when we come into the break room.  I mean it’s nice that they’re interested in being part of our club, but honestly that’s why we’re quiet about it.  We don’t just want to move the office to our smoking room every couple of weeks.

So I finally figured what to do about it.  We’ve founded an official “Junior Pipe Club” for the interns.  And we put Jan in charge of it.  That way if she wants to make it like a little tea party with smoking and they can put up with it, great.  And we don’t have to constantly harsh their groove about Pipe Club.  Plus it gives Jan an outlet for her repressed domesticity so she doesn’t keep trying to spring it on the rest of us.

You know, the folks who are just in this for a good smoke.

Filed Under: Everything else

‘Tis the Season

October 1, 2009 By Ned Leave a Comment

Everyone has a favorite season.  Mine is any one but this one.  Because it’s budget season.  Most people think this means being able to ask for whatever you think you’re going to need next year.  But that’s completely wrong.  It’s really when you ask for whatever you dream of having in a world inhabited by mystical money fairies who fill the company bank with magic cash to fulfill your every fanciful and meaningless whim.

And while that might work for certain people in certain departments (I’m looking at you, Marketing, and also at you, International Division), it’s utterly unrealistic to those of us who didn’t sleep through Accounting 101 in college and actually have to make the numbers add up right or else the finance Grinch will come for us in the night.

So when Tom met with his direct reports and asked for preliminary budget request numbers, I knew some folks were in for a real shock.  And it’s not because I don’t like giving people what they want (that’s more Jan’s department).  It’s really because we don’t all seem to have the same sense of fiscal responsibility that makes budget season a little more like New Year’s Day and a little less like Christmas.  You know what I mean?

Filed Under: Saving Money
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Cast Photos by Scott Smallie Photography