Vendor Pitch Day

November 9, 2009 | Leave a Comment

I believe that you, our faithful readers, missed this jewel of an opportunity last year, but this past Friday was our annual Vendor Pitch Day.  It’s somewhat of a tradition at Doogleheimer & Schmitt, though no one is truly certain when it began.  Regardless, it’s an opportunity for the entire staff to take a break from the workaday routine, relax a little, and indulge in the material waste of the capitalist dialectic.

Let me explain.  You see each year around this time we must select the vendors who will supply us in the following year with everything we need from raw materials to clerical supplies, to servers and software.  And rather than allow these companies to wander in whenever they wish and shamelessly hawk their wares to us, we insist that they all come on the same day.  In fact, I believe that Phil schedules them to arrive so that competitors are in the same pitch meeting at the same time in a bidding war for our business.  That is so like him, but it’s to be expected from the slave to the machine that he is.

Regardless of the direction of these “negotiations,” the winner is often decided by whomever brings the most generous hand-outs and promotional gifts for the office staff.  Moreover, the competition among the office staff is fierce to sit in on the negotiation which will yield the most freebies.  I do not involve myself in these, yet I can often give up my seat in the sales meetings in return for an array of offers.  And though I do not wish to abuse my colleagues’ wanton greed, I was in fact able to secure for my spot in three such “interviews” the following:

* A home-cooked gourmet meal for The International Girl amd me, courtesy of Tom (who knew he was a gourmand?),

* Two weekends at Ned’s lake house (which he refers to as “The Bunker”), including free use of the ham radio,

* The option to trade cubes with Kelsi, and

* A promise from Chastity that if things don’t work out with The International Girl, she’ll be my special friend for a week.

I have no idea what that last one is and why it would be so valuable, but as soon as I mentioned it in the break room this morning, all the men in the office became despondent and seemed to think I’d gotten the best deal of all.  It just goes to show you the failure of the capitalist model — that an object must have value in order to be assigned a cost in the market.  Or perhaps I’m wrong and I can trade that last one for something else …

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