May

17

As it turns out, it’s good that I’m in finance, because money is the root of all my problems.  At work, anyway.  Seems that with our recent financial windfall, efforts to figure out how to spend that money and the inability of anyone in charge to keep a secret, it’s now completely common knowledge that we’re rolling in cash and that if someone can come up with a great way to spend it before the folks at Doogleheimer & Schmitt Corporate do, they’ll get their wish.

So I ask you, do I look like a genie in a bottle?  No, I didn’t think so.

As a result of this, I’ve had to endure a seemingly endless parade of supplicants at my doorstep, requesting some of the company’s munificence.  Of course, I’m under strict orders not to give any out, so I’ve had to say “no” an awful lot lately.  In fact, I’ve become a kind of gatekeeper for the company’s hoard, a goalie for the gold, a master of the moolah.  Whatever.

But saying “no” to each and every one of my colleagues who’s asked for money for his or her meaningless pet project was starting to get me down.  And that’s when I decided to perfect the art of saying “no” — to make it so subtle yet effective that my co-workers are actually excited not to get any money from me.  Let me share with you some of my most prized conversation-enders:

  • “Perhaps not today.  Try again tomorrow though, if you like.”
  • “That’s a great idea.  I’ll have to consider it alongside the many other outstanding requests I’ve heard already this morning!”
  • “You know I’d love to promise you that money, but I’d hate even more to let you down.”
  • “I could, but then Phil would just be so jealous and upset.  I’m sure that’s not what you want to have happen.”
  • “That’s an awesome idea, but if we did, the sun would implode and consume the earth in a fiery Armageddon.  I’m pretty sure I’d get in a lot of trouble if that happened.”

See how easy that is?  Feel free to practice on your friends and family when they ask for things you don’t want to give them, like a small loan or a kidney.  Good luck.


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