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Smells like … victory

August 2, 2010 By Jane Leave a Comment

So by now you’ve seen that our new Office Manager started work last week.  Yeah, “Tug”.  Not particularly thrilled with the guy, I have to admit.  You know me, though, hard-to-please and I don’t just warm right up to people.  I know this, it’s no secret.  I’m just honest about it.  But I’m not going to make his life hard just because we didn’t hit it off right away.  I mean look at me and Chastity.  We started out at-odds, and now we’re the best of buds.  Honestly you can stop laughing  now.

So I walk into the break room Friday for lunch, and I’m going to warm up some soup I made myself.  It had been a bad morning, and I was looking forward to a little comfort food.  My mom’s old shrimp chowder recipe.  Kinda reminds me of home when work’s been sucky all week.  So I open the fridge and look around for my bag.  I rummage around and it’s just not there.  About that time, I detect this strange odor coming from the microwave, something like badly burnt seafood and cream.  The microwave dings and I carefully open it.  And of course the inside looks like that scene from Gremlins (you know what I’m talking about).  And there in this smoldering, half-melted tub of plastic, is my chowder.  Right then Tug walks in past me, grabs it out of the microwave, and whisks back out again, carrying the stench of disappointment and ill-gotten gains with him.

I’m a little ashamed to admit this, but I started crying.  Not only did I not have any lunch, but that … rat took the one thing that made the week worthwhile.  I fumed about it all weekend, but I got over it.

Besides, I brought in a slice of my trademark Ex-Lax chocolate cake and left it in the fridge for later.

Filed Under: FNG

I’m ambivalent as heck, and I just won’t take it anymore!

March 8, 2010 By Jane Leave a Comment

You’ve probably figured out that we’ve had a little rash of dramas, petty betrayals, and minor fracases.  And normally I don’t let this stuff get to me — like sewage off a duck’s back.  That’s me and this place.  I come in, I do my job, I go home, I warm up some fettucini alfredo, and play Warcraft until we either put Razorscale down or my eyes start to bleed from my weak-sauce guildmates’ who have their suck turned all the way up to 10.

But the recent mess with the office manager has got me so frustrated that I’ve been off my game for days.  Everyone been trying to make me take a side, to push Tom to favor someone or another.  They wouldn’t leave me alone — all day it was in and out of my office with this mess.  Honestly I don’t care.  If anyone can come in here and make people clean up after themselves or keep the clerical supplies stocked, they can report to whoever they want.  Hell, they can have the place if they can make the freakin’ trains run on time.

Anyway, now that it’s all straightened out, we’re hoping to start interviews relatively soon, especially with Ginger gone.  We need organization desperately, and we’re going to do what it takes to get some, including giving some small measure of control over our lives to a complete stranger.  The good news is that it’s like getting a new raid leader — it doesn’t take anyone particularly smart, just organized and relatively alert.  And you have to want to do it, which is why I won’t do it, of course.

So if you know anyone who wants to do this office manager job, have ‘em call us.  Have ‘em call the office, but don’t call me.  I don’t care.  Okay, maybe I care a little.  But you keep that to yourself, got it?

Filed Under: Everything else

Office Thefts

November 16, 2009 By Jane 1 Comment

The last few weeks around the Doogleheimer & Schmitt office have been a bit tense.  Not for any work-related reason, but because people’s stuff keeps disappearing.  Normally I’d say it’s being stolen, but to investigate this disappearing junk, Tom’s appointed me as official office investigator.  And he made me promise to keep an open mind on what’s going on and not jump to any premature conclusions.  Like that’s going to happen.

Of course my first stop was to check in with the building security manager.  I described what was going on and asked if it could have been the custodial crew.  She said that was absolutely impossible, since they receive an incentive for returning missing items, so it had to be one of our coworkers stealing from us.  When I questioned her logic and asked why it couldn’t just be the janitors stealing the stuff, claiming to “find” it a few days later and asking for their reward, she said that her year in law enforcement taught her to trust her gut and this was what her gut was telling her.  When I asked if I could speak to her gut and ask some questions of my own, she slammed her door in my face.

So the list of missing items as it stands currently is:

* eight miscellaneous bottles of hand sanitizer, lotion, etc.

* one pink hand-knitted afghan

* an oval ceramic spanakopita pan, and

* a John Tesh Holiday CD (reported missing, but I’ve been sworn to secrecy by the owner).

It’s my job to get to the bottom of who’s doing all this, and I’m going to put my best effort into it, since this waste-of-time is keeping me from getting real work done.  Evildoers beware; I’m comin’ for ya, and you better hope that building security finds you before I do.

Filed Under: Everything else

Family Resemblance

August 17, 2009 By Jane Leave a Comment

As you probably know, I’m a good corporate citizen.  All right, I’m not.  But I listen and pay attention, and I know that Jan had to make some kind of concession to Hal in order to get him to fire his barista last month.  Weeks go by, and I wonder to myself when Hal’s gonna drop the other shoe on her.  Not literally, though I’d pay good money to see that.  No, this is just Hal making sure Jan knows that he never forgets.

So I wander down to shipping.  Hal knows me, so he asks, “Jane, what’s up girl?”

And I know enough that he and I don’t bother with small talk.  ”What are you planning to do to call in that debt to Jan for getting rid of Leslie?”

He points over to the corner, where this tiny (and I mean short) girl is pulling the canvas off a brand new, gleaming chrome-and-copper combination espresso machine and roaster.  ”It’s already in play, babe.  Meet my sister Carlotta.”

“Your sister, for real?”

“No joke.  Can’t you see the resemblance?”  Carlotta walked over to Hal and stood beside him.

Now Hal is black, and this girl is white.  He is tall and she is short.  They don’t look alike at all.

“Um, no.”

“Yeah, I can’t see it either.  Anyway, Carlotta, Jane.  Jane, Carlotta.”

She held out a hand daintily, which I took gingerly.  ”Charmed.  Come get a coffee tomorrow, and I’ll give ya a good deal.”

I waved my hand.  ”I don’t drink coffee.  But thanks anyway”

“Don’t drink coffee?  Hal, you hear this, she doesn’t drink coffee.”  With that she turned and went back to unwrapping the espresso machine.  The whole time she was muttering about me not drinking coffee.

Hal jumped in at this point, “You don’t tell Jan about this yet.  I wanna make sure I got the timing all right.”

I told him that I’d keep his little secret.  As I was walking out, I overheard one last loud comment from the tiny girl in the corner.  ”NO COFFEE!  Can you f***ing believe it?!”

I snapped.  I couldn’t take this anymore, and I turned and yelled back, “No coffee, you not-black, not-tall Hal’s sister!  I drink TEA!”  There was dead silence in the shipping department.  Hal looked at me and then at Carlotta.

“It’s no problem girl.  Why didn’t you say so?  I got tea too.  You come by tomorrow and I’ll set you up.”  I nodded at her, and she nodded back at me.  This will probably be the start of a great working relationship.  That or I’m gonna have to kill her.

Filed Under: Operations
Cast Photos by Scott Smallie Photography