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Payback is me

June 25, 2009 By Tammy Leave a Comment

Apparently that idiot in Finance couldn’t keep his little mouth shut, so now everyone knows about me and Fred.  And believe it or not, that’s the *good* news.  The bad news is that not only did everyone know about me and Fred, but they also know the details of our little escalating office prank war a few months ago.

When I say that hey knew the details, I don’t mean that they knew that we were both playing pranks on each other.  What I mean is that they knew it was Fred who got me deported to China.

So I was sitting at home (alone) last night.  I had a bottle of Merlot, a good cry, and a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s Mission to Marzipan.  And I felt a bunch better.  Emotionally that is.  Physically I was sick.  Then I had a good puke and then I was good all around.

But in addition to feeling better, I realized that I had a choice.  My life is full of choices, and this was just one more crossroads for me.  Do I forgive my boyfriend for just taking the last step in an escalating prank war that I admittedly started (and finished for that matter), or make sure that he knows who’s who by getting the payback that I’m due?

I decided that I’d wait and see.  I’d wait until he really messed up and missed an important day, like my birthday or my mom’s birthday or the anniversary of the day we first went out or the day we nearly got caught messing around in the lunchroom or the day HR told us to cool it or we’d both be in real trouble.  As soon as he forgets one of those days, it’s gonna rain down on him like … well like a rain full of pranks.

That’s the kind of maturity in my relationship that I can be proud of.

Filed Under: Office Pranks And The Audits They Cause, Office Romance

Yacht Story

April 9, 2009 By Tammy Leave a Comment

Like all good things that must someday come to an end, apparently our regular gift to Tom of some boat tchocky put him in such a boat mood that he invited the entire office out on his boat to celebrate the new folks who joined from Branch 19. Well that was a lovely idea except that his boat held seven or maybe eight comfortably, twelve if everyone was drunk or family, and fifteen if you were evacuating the Achille Lauro.

So when thirty people signed up for an afternoon at the lake on Tom’s “yacht,” I knew enough to stay away from this. But Fred insisted that we go, so like the guy who rubbernecks at an accident by the side of the road and then rear-ends the car in front of him, I found myself swept up into the impending disaster despite myself.

It all started so well.  Tom split the staff into two groups and took each group out for a spin around the lake.  Fred and I were in the first group and everything was fine for a while, as Tom piloted the boat at what seemed like a small fraction of the speed of light.  Some folks found the slightly choppy water exciting, and Tom stood there in his white linen pants and blue blazer and just grinned like he was having the best day ever.

I had to admit that it was nice being out on the water.  The spray frizzed my hair, and I was having a somewhat crummy time until Hal (demonstrating Dodgers batting techniques and opining about how no Giants batter had proper form) swung his arms and knocked Jan into the lake.  Fortunately she was wearing a life jacket and Tom directed unnecessarily while the rest of us fished her out.  She sat on the floor of the boat and shivered the rest of the way back to the dock.

I sat on Fred’s lap to make room.

The other group had a better time of it, I think.  And by that I mean that no one fell in the lake.  Tom looked as though he had a fun time until he handed his diesel receipt to Ned, who shook his head “no” and handed it back to Tom.  After that Tom wasn’t nearly so chipper.  Anyway it was a good start to the long weekend.  I have a bad feeling that there’s going to be a new HR policy about company social outings come Monday though.

Filed Under: Incompetence

We win! We lose!

February 9, 2009 By Tammy Leave a Comment

Everyone knew well in advance what Jan’s big announcement was going to be about — the results of the ultra-fierce effeciency competition between us and Branch 19.  Of course I approached it knowing that I’d done absolutely everything in my power to make sure we were successful.  I was especially proud of my decision to cut back on electricity use for lights in my office for two hours after lunch.  And it would have been a great improvement to my daily routine until Fred brought it to Tom’s attention and I had to stop napping.

Anyway Jan announced that during the month of competition we’d cut expenses by a whopping 14.1%, making us the winners of the competition by a landslide.  There was cheering and congratulating all around.  And that’s when it started to go south.  Ned asked what Branch 19′s result was.  Jan hemmed and hawed for a moment.

“They didn’t do nearly as well as we did.  The important thing is that we beat them!”

“What was their number, Jan”

There was an uncomfortable silence.  ”Five percent.”

“Five?  Just five?”

“It appears they refused to give up their slackberries and expensive PDA’s.”

It was then that Hal said what everyone was thinking.  ”You mean to say we beat them so bad, we wouldn’t have had to give up all that stuff we did, and we could have beaten ‘em anyway?”

Then there was a clamor of voices as everyone yelled at the same time

“I didn’t have to give up toilet paper?”

“I can buy my rowing machine back now!”

“All that time working from the Starbucks next door was wasted!”

“I can’t believe I sold a kidney for this!”

Oddly, the meeting that started with shouting ended in shouting, too.  I guess if nothing else Jan can appreciate the symmetry of it.  Well, once she gets out of her meeting with Tom, that is.

Filed Under: Saving Money

A Confession to Make

January 1, 2009 By Tammy Leave a Comment

Okay, I’ll admit it.  I was the one who high-centered Fred’s car.  I was also the one who locked Tom in his office all day by putting pennies between the door and the doorjam (what’s more, I have proof it was our most productive day all year at D&S).  And it was me who switched the regular coffee with decaf.  Ned must have thought everyone had turned into zombies, the way they were all slouching around the whole morning.

Seems folks fell for my little scheme, pretending to be nice and all after getting back from Myanmar.  But the truth is, I have two things going for me:  a long memory and an endless supply of determination.

Seems like Tom is going to get the last laugh, because he said something about a high likelihood for a cut in our benefits next year as part of our effort to out-maneuver our competitors and stay extra-profitable.  Don’t you worry, though.  I’ve got a super-special prank for folks who cut my benefits.

Filed Under: Office Pranks And The Audits They Cause
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